Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
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If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.