Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
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Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
me and my fake scenarios
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.