Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
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2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I try
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.