Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
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The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
rest in peas
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Hey Fugeddaboutit
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”