Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

no!! no!!!!!!

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both