genie: please no
millipede: more legs
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My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.