genie: please no
millipede: more legs
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After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I have no passwords left in me
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Look at this
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”