genie: please no
millipede: more legs
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Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no