Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
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Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.