Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
You Might Also Like
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Generation gap…
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!