Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
is this how new cars are made??
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.