@Prof_Hinkley

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

- @Prof_Hinkley

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@lil_dead_girl_

I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up.

It hasn’t so I had some cheese.

@trevso_electric

“If I write something completely creepy under a girl’s Facebook photo, maybe it WON’T be creepy if I end it with ‘lol.'”
-guy logic

@KalvinMacleod

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way

@IamEveryDayPpl

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

@LuckoftheDraw86

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

@SamuelHLowe

– What do you do to relax?
– I enjoy people watching.
– The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower.
– I know.

@thewritertype

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.