Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
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[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Joseph Smith, 1833
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.