Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?