genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws