genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”