Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

why no one uses midhusbands

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”