Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.