GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
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My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.