GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
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Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
best review i’ve ever seen
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.