Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

😂🖐️

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?