Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time