Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
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My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time