Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

Netflix and you sit over there.

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.