Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
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if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.