Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
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I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Boom, boom, ching!
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.