Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

January has been Januweary

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me