Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
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When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.