Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

So inspired right now.

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.