Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

How to woo a woman

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

Cat is stressing him out.

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it