GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
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As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
my fav colour is also hitler
