GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
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Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
When your best mate counts as a desk too
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Have kids, they said
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING