GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
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Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?