Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.