GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
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“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
12. I think about this all the damn time
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
my love language is being sent money
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
