Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

no!! no!!!!!!

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

[ SEXT ]

Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?

Her: Footed pajamas

M: …

H: …

M: …

H: …

M: K, gnight

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

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Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
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(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ