GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
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My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*