GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
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Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.