Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

this made my day 😂

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

The devil.

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*