Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.