Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

me as a parent

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

👻