genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
You Might Also Like
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle