genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
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Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
I have no passwords left in me
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.