Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

I’m a bad influence on myself.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.