Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
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cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Holy moly
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it