Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

All right stop, coagulate and thicken