Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
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When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Me checking my bank balance online.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
no one ever comes back
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.