Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
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My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Meanwhile in Portland…
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me