Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

worst…sale…ever

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

Girl, same.

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.