Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
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A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.