@fro_vo

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

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@chuuew

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

@crunchenhanced

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

@TheSharona06

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

@stephenjmolloy

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

@KevinBuffalo

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

@doctorveritas

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

@SortaBad

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

@allforandrea

It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.