Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
You Might Also Like
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Vodka burrito was a success
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”