Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while