Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type