Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.