Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

A duv-egg? In this economy?

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

“FRAAANCE!”

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.