Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

even bears disappoint their mothers

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

this was very charming

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits