genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
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Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or