genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
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Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
How animals would run if they were human
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
3% human
97% stress
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.