Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

Good news

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

There is no “we” in pizza

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date