Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

forgive me baja for i have blast

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.