Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

*Seductively hides in the woods

I’m already scared

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

lumberjacks will cut a birch

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now