Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

I am patiently waiting for your email

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.