Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

I just stopped by to water my horse.

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

#JohnTravolta