Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.