Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

You might just have to resign…

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned