Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?