genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
This joke is 7 years old
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
🤣🤣💀
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
