Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

Now, where’s the sport in that?

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…