genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
