genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish


mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

You Might Also Like


Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.


Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.


Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move


[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this


My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.


BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?


if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know


One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together