@Shen_the_Bird

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

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@juliussharpe

Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

@Token_Geezer

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

@PleaseBeGneiss

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

@RodLacroix

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

@KalvinMacleod

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

@rachelmillman

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

@DirtMcTurd

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together