genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
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Not😆🤣
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.