Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.