Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.