Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

me 2 months after i graduated

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.