Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
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me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from