Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

Seems legit.

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet