Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

Still my favorite headline of all time:

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.