Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’