Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

ㅤ

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.