Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

My birthstone is kidney

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate