Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

thanks auntie mary

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

Somebody needs to get my shit together.