Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*