Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow 🤣

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

This is so wrong 😂

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

Worth a try

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians