Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

kids play hide and seek like

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

mentally somewhere in italy

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir