Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

I have a new favorite meme page

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

I hate everything

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

Always the camel, never the toe.

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

That was easy.

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

Love thy neighbor’s dog

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.