Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

this… may be the greatest story ever told

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

he chose this

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*